Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.
Look deeply: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river,
and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time
to eat the mayfly.
I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond,
and I am also the grass-snake who, approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks,
and I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to
Uganda.
I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and
loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with plenty of power in my
hands,
and I am the man who has to pay his "debt of blood" to, my
people,
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.
My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all
walks of life.
My pain if like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open,
the door of compassion.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Saw this on NPR yesterday and thought it was very interesting....
March 5, 2010
By Kathleen Masterson
Sex addiction, nymphomania or sexual compulsion might sound like the stuff of novels or over-hyped celebrity angst. Yet excessive sexual behaviors have been documented for over two centuries in American medical literature. In fact, one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, Benjamin Rush, wrote about it in his book Medical Inquiries and Observations upon the Diseases of the Mind, the first textbook of mental illness in the U.S.
Treatment for mental illness has come a long way from the days of simply throwing people in a "madhouse," like this 1917 lithograph shows. (George Bellows/Library of Congress)
Rush wrote that sexual appetite, "when excessive, becomes a disease both of the body and mind." He also concluded that "promiscuous intercourse with the female sex" or excessive masturbation could cause impotence, dyspepsia, vertigo, dimness of sight, memory loss, and even death. (He didn't mention the risk of political downfall, loss of sponsorships, or inescapable media obsession.) Still, even though excessive sexual behavior has been described for a long time, it has yet to be officially recognized by the psychiatrists' bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Instead, the category resides in the book's appendix.
Dr. Martin Kafka, a Harvard professor and psychiatrist at the med school's McLean hospital, and his colleagues are trying to push it out of that back-of-the book diagnostic "wastebasket." They're proposing that "hypersexual disorder" be added to the next edition of the DSM. Kafka says research over the last few decades supports that idea that these extreme sexual behaviors are symptoms of a mental disorder.
The problem goes beyond just having a lot of sex; it's when a person cannot stop engaging in things like promiscuity, porn, masturbation -- and this behavior causes significant impairment and stress in the person's life. (It's worth noting that even the DSM struggles to actually define what a mental disorder is. The working definition is that it's a clinically recognized syndrome that causes serious distress or impairment of the person's ability to function.)
The proposed hypersexual disorder would be categorized alongside other sexual disorders, such as fetishistic disorder and exhibitionistic disorder.
Criteria for hypersexual disorder would include spending a lot of time consumed by sexual fantasies and repetitively engaging in these sexual fantasies in response to stress, anxiety, boredom or depression. The person also makes repeated but unsuccessful attempts to control the behavior, and engages in the behavior disregarding the risk of physical or emotional harm for himself or others. And, to be diagnosed with hypersexuality, this behavior would have to cause the person significant distress or impairment.
That last criterion is the kicker -- the person needs to present with "clinically significant personal distress." And how do you measure that -- as opposed to say, a politician who is caught sleeping with another woman and blames a sex addiction? Drawing the line between guilty indiscretions and an actual mental disorder has a lot of the public skeptical.
"It's not often a condition you can tell from afar," says Kafka. "The only way to know if it's a moral excuse or a real disorder takes knowing the person, the extent of the behaviors, have they tried to control it, what risks have they taken."
Kafka and the working group stops short of calling the sexual problem an addiction. He says the science just isn't there yet to prove that the behavior is addictive, that it operates the same way as, say, alcohol dependence. Addictions are defined by out-of-control drug use, cravings and activation of the brain's reward centers. There just hasn't been enough research to show that excessive sexual behavior works the same way as drug dependencies, says Dr. Charles O'Brien, the vice-chair of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania and director of UPenn's Center for Studies of Addiction.
With someone with extreme sexual behavior, he says, " if you show them porn, it does activate this part of the brain (associated with addiction), but we don't have any evidence that this is associated with a loss of control. In the case of an addict, the brain activation makes them want to go out and use the drug."
Instead, the proposed category would label the behavior as a disorder, more akin to anxiety or depression.
Even without an official category for hypersexuality, people do seek help for this kind of sex problem. Currently most people are treated with fairly standard addiction treatment, says Kafka, which might mean individual therapy or 12-step groups based on chemical dependence quitting programs. An NYT reporter noted that Tiger Woods public apology speech mirrored several steps of the common 12-step recovery program.
Does the treatment work? The scientific literature on treatment varies, says Kafka, and much more study is needed.
Typically, when a new mental disorder gets added into the DSM, its inclusion stimulates a good deal of research on the topic. If accepted, the new definition could help garner more scientific attention.
I have been thinking a great deal about my situation lately in terms of Islamic Law. Prior to our marriage, my husband agreed to abide by the rules of my religion.
I had asked my husband to sit down with me and write up an Islamic prenuptual agreement. These are standard in all Islamic marriages. They can be as simple or as complex as you want them.
I think these are really important because it sets up the dialoge ahead of time as to what each parties expectations are and spells out what will happen if these expectations are not met.
Unfortunately, I got tied up and busy with the wedding plans and my husband was in no hurry to draft such a document. So, we never did one.
I really regret that.
Contrary to popular belief, Islam at its root was a very progressive religion for women. It was the first religion to give women the right to divorce. It was the first religion to give women property rights - and many other financial rights.
In Islam, motherhood is valued.
I feel strongly that we do not value motherhood in our culture, and I think that is really wrong.
There are a lot of things built in to many Islamic countries (via Islamic Law) that protect women and mothers.
For one, the extended family plays a much greater role. If one party is acting out, the family calls that party into account.
Women are free to work if they chose to, but if they do, the money they earn is theirs alone to keep and not intended to support the family. The man is supposed to support the family at all times and would be audited upfront to make sure they were capable of doing that before a marriage could even take place.
If the man strayed or the couple decided to divorce, the man would still be required to support the family.
A woman also receives her family inheritance when she marries, so she has a nest egg going into the marriage that no one can touch. So if all else fails in the rare situation where a man did not support his family after a divorce, the woman would have something to fall back on.
Interest is forbidden in Islamic Law, so there is very little debt in most Muslim countries (although this is changing unfortunately). Most men live with their families well into their mid-thirties and save money so they can pay cash for their home. Most cars are purchased with cash. People live within their means more often, so there aren't all the same financial issues that we have here in the United States.
I guess what I am getting at is that the position that I am in right now would just never happen in most of the Muslim world.
Obviously, these laws to not apply to my situation here in the United States. But I wanted to point them out because I frequently find that people have major misunderstandings about Islam.
I did my first mediation session yesterday and I was very pleased with it. The woman was an older woman and seemed to be very kind and knowing. Lately, I have been trying to put aside my anger and try to heal. I don't think fighting more about the divorce and all that entails is going to bring either of us any closer to where we want to be.
In two weeks we will meet again together with the mediator. (My husband also met privately with her). I think it will take a few sessions but I am confident that we can find a solution.
I believe that at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier - and something to make ourselves a little happier - that's about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts.
We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances - we must try.
I didn't always know this and I am happy that I lived long enough to find it out.
-Roger Ebert
Things seem to be moving along fairly well with the divorce. My husband and I have been getting along somewhat better as we begin to separate things out day-by-day. A friend who was divorced fairly recently and has a daughter told me once we finalize things, we will be able to get along better. Now is the tough part.
I am hopeful that will happen.
I have a Parenting Class tonight for 4 hours and mediation Thursday morning.
The issues that I need to practice acceptance on are in protecting my children. I don't know how to do that because I am hyper-sensitive about that. I don't see how I can accept unacceptable circumstances for them. I don't have a lot of peace around that because my husband has not shown behavior that leads me to believe my children are safe around him emotionally or physically.
This morning, he called me to let me know his dad would be joining him when he picked up the kids. He only has them for a 3-hour slot, but I find myself aggitated and worried. My father-in-law is not someone I want my children around. He is a mean and abusive man.
We texted back and forth after a curt phone conversation and I am trying to let it go.
My husband wants the kids to see his dad. I believe that is only because he thinks he will get something financially out of it, which he actually pretty much said over the phone.
The bottom line is I don't have any control over the situation. Unless a judge rules that his dad can not see the kids, my husband can make that choice during his time with the kids.
I told him how I feel about it.
I have been telling him for at least 3 years. He does not care what I think about it. He is going to do what he wants to do.
The sad thing is that I was in a fantastic mood this morning -
until I spoke to my husband. I let that ruin my mood.
I need to stop doing that, whether it is by not talking to him or just not getting so upset. I still take a lot of things personally.
"I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of human rights."
-Desmond Tutu
I feel gleefully happy today. Several people have been sending me funny jokes and videos so I have been laughing a lot this morning.
My daughter and I stopped in at the Lebanese donut shop this morning so that helped my mood too. I love my family in there. They are so giving and loving. We ended up taking another big box of donuts with us so I started my workday passing those out around my office.
The Gibran quote comes to mind:
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked."
Had enough sorrow latey...hopefully I'm getting to the joy part....
To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable; and
wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think
quietly, talk gently, act frankly...to
listen to stars and buds, to babes and
sages, with open heart; await occasions,
hurry never...this is my symphony.
- William Henry Channing
We celebrated Diversity Sunday a few weeks ago. One tradition we have during all of our services is to have a children's circle, where the children come up front and hear a special message for them.
I thought this was a lesson all children should grow up with.
The minister showed everyone her prayer shawl she had been wearing. She asked them to notice all the little children of different colors and shapes embroidered on the shawl and admire how beautiful they were. However, years ago, we decided to become an "Open and Affirming Community", which means that
all people are welcome. We have many gay and lesbian couples and welcome people of all nationalities and colors, as well as people from different faith backgrounds.
I also practice Islam, and when I told the pastor that, she thought it was great. She said,
after all, there is one God. I have come to believe whether there is one God, or many, it doesn't matter. There is no conflict to me. I see people who worship various gods as people who worship different aspects of God. Whether God is one or many makes no difference to me.
The minister asked all the children to close their eyes and imagine looking at themselves in the mirror. She told them to admire how beautiful and perfect they are.
Then she asked them to all open their eyes and look at the other children, and see how beautiful and perfect they were.
I think the essence of this is respect and love - for ourselves and others. So many of us grow up without either.
