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Over the past few weeks, I've been following the Lebron James story with great interest. For those who don't follow sports (or live under a rock), Lebron recently announced that he would be leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers to play for the Miami Heat, after much hype, speculation, conspiracy theories, and an hour-long ESPN special. That's all fine and good. I'm not foolish enough to try to opine on such a still touchy subject in a public forum.

What I WILL talk about is the fact that for months, the critical backlash against Lebron has involved blatant, disrespectful, and anti-feminist slut-shaming of his mother based on rumors that she slept with Delonte West, another player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The rumors have inspired such jabs as the shirt pictured ("You can head south but your mom is riding west") as well as countless sites, articles, and street corner conversations claiming to verify or dispel the rumors, pondering their effects on Lebron's game, and employing various other methods of ridiculing him for the alleged indiscretions of his mother. The rumor has grown to be so ubiquitous that when you type "Lebron" into google search, the second thing google suggests is "lebron james mom delonte west". Dang. You don't even need to type his last name.

So..why do I care about this gossip-fueled rumor about some basketball player and his mother, neither of whom I've ever met? Because the underlying cultural attitudes are dangerously anti-woman, and represent the same misogynistic attitudes about women, honor, sex, and bodily autonomy that lead to rights violations, violence, and even death for women here in the U.S. and all over the world.

The concept of female sexual behavior bringing either honor (with purity and celibacy) or shame (with sex or too much perceived sexiness) upon her family is nothing new. For one, it's common in hip hop culture, with verses by some of the most famous rappers of all time being populated with what amounts to glorified "yo momma" jokes in lyrical form. ("mess around you'll find my silk-boxers in your mommas hamper", etc.) But this attitude isn't restricted to the realm of hip hop, or the music industry, or even to the American context. And despite the seemingly innocuous nature of a "yo momma" joke, such attitudes can have very sinister consequences for women all over the world.

Perhaps less conspicuously than Lebron' James' mother, another woman halfway across the world was also being ridiculed and shamed for her alleged sexual relations over the past few months. Buried amidst the Lebron coverage, the New York Times reported a few weeks ago on the story of Nirupama Pathak, 22, who had recently announced she was secretly engaged to a young man from a caste lower than hers, and was found days later dead in her bedroom. The police have arrested her mother, Sudha Pathak, on suspicion of murder, while the family contends that the death was a suicide.

From the article:

"One thing is absolutely clear," said Prashant Bhushan, a social activist and lawyer now advising Ms. Pathak's fiancé. "Her family was trying their level best to prevent her from marrying that boy. The pressure was such that either she was driven to suicide or she was killed."

When we do things that enable members of society to feel entitled to control the women's bodies, women get hurt. They get hurt when their name is gleefully dragged around in the mud to shame, embarrass, and dishonor their family, and they get hurt when their families take matters into their own hands to prevent that same shame, embarrassment, and dishonor from coming to be associated with them. I'm not saying that telling a "yo momma" joke is akin to performing an honor killing. But I am saying that, in the case of those who titter at the thought of embarrassing Lebron by commenting on the sexual behavior his mother may or may not have engaged in, the underlying assumptions are the same as those of someone who chooses to undertake an honor killing- a woman's sexual decisions are not her own to make, but rather, criteria by which to measure the "honor" of her and her family and the ability of the men in her life to maintain control over her body, her actions, and her sexual autonomy.

Over the past few weeks, I've been following the Lebron James story with great interest. For those who don't follow sports (or live under a rock), Lebron recently announced that he would be leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers to play for the Miami Heat, after much hype, speculation, conspiracy theories, and an hour-long ESPN special. That's all fine and good. I'm not foolish enough to try to opine on such a still touchy subject in a public forum.

What I WILL talk about is the fact that for months, the critical backlash against Lebron has involved blatant, disrespectful, and anti-feminist slut-shaming of his mother based on rumors that she slept with Delonte West, another player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The rumors have inspired such jabs as the shirt pictured ("You can head south but your mom is riding west") as well as countless sites, articles, and street corner conversations claiming to verify or dispel the rumors, pondering their effects on Lebron's game, and employing various other methods of ridiculing him for the alleged indiscretions of his mother. The rumor has grown to be so ubiquitous that when you type "Lebron" into google search, the second thing google suggests is "lebron james mom delonte west". Dang. You don't even need to type his last name.

So..why do I care about this gossip-fueled rumor about some basketball player and his mother, neither of whom I've ever met? Because the underlying cultural attitudes are dangerously anti-woman, and represent the same misogynistic attitudes about women, honor, sex, and bodily autonomy that lead to rights violations, violence, and even death for women here in the U.S. and all over the world.

The concept of female sexual behavior bringing either honor (with purity and celibacy) or shame (with sex or too much perceived sexiness) upon her family is nothing new. For one, it's common in hip hop culture, with verses by some of the most famous rappers of all time being populated with what amounts to glorified "yo momma" jokes in lyrical form. ("mess around you'll find my silk-boxers in your mommas hamper", etc.) But this attitude isn't restricted to the realm of hip hop, or the music industry, or even to the American context. And despite the seemingly innocuous nature of a "yo momma" joke, such attitudes can have very sinister consequences for women all over the world.

Perhaps less conspicuously than Lebron' James' mother, another woman halfway across the world was also being ridiculed and shamed for her alleged sexual relations over the past few months. Buried amidst the Lebron coverage, the New York Times reported a few weeks ago on the story of Nirupama Pathak, 22, who had recently announced she was secretly engaged to a young man from a caste lower than hers, and was found days later dead in her bedroom. The police have arrested her mother, Sudha Pathak, on suspicion of murder, while the family contends that the death was a suicide.

From the article:

"One thing is absolutely clear," said Prashant Bhushan, a social activist and lawyer now advising Ms. Pathak's fiancé. "Her family was trying their level best to prevent her from marrying that boy. The pressure was such that either she was driven to suicide or she was killed."

When we do things that enable members of society to feel entitled to control the women's bodies, women get hurt. They get hurt when their name is gleefully dragged around in the mud to shame, embarrass, and dishonor their family, and they get hurt when their families take matters into their own hands to prevent that same shame, embarrassment, and dishonor from coming to be associated with them. I'm not saying that telling a "yo momma" joke is akin to performing an honor killing. But I am saying that, in the case of those who titter at the thought of embarrassing Lebron by commenting on the sexual behavior his mother may or may not have engaged in, the underlying assumptions are the same as those of someone who chooses to undertake an honor killing- a woman's sexual decisions are not her own to make, but rather, criteria by which to measure the "honor" of her and her family and the ability of the men in her life to maintain control over her body, her actions, and her sexual autonomy.

The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCVAP) just put out their annual report (pdf.) on violence against the LGBTQ community and the findings are scary. I took a look at the report myself and it seems that overall the reporting of violent crime is down. It is hard to get a sense of exactly how grave the situation is when we know that so much of the violence goes unreported, but if the numbers represent a trend then it is a frightening one.

Furthermore, there is a trend in communities of color who are afflicted with higher rates of violent crime against the LGBTQ community. Of the 22 murders last year 79% of them were people of color and 50% were transgender women. Waymon Hudson writes at Huffington Post,

As evidenced in this report, members of traditionally marginalized communities continue to be disproportionately targeted for severe violence. "These facts are deeply disturbing as these are the same people who are more likely to face discrimination, criminalization or further violence when interacting with criminal legal and social service systems. What we see is that they are less likely to seek and access support from these institutions," said Maria Carolina Morales, Intervention Director of Community United Against Violence (CUAV) in San Francisco.

The report also covers other causes of crime such as reaction to hate crime legislation and decrease in services for GLBTQ communities due to current economic conditions. They also found that police misconduct towards GLBTQ folks was up from 2008 and this includes false arrests, harassment, entrapment and raids. And finally, that the majority of violent crime is committed by strangers which is just horrifying, as they are generally unpredictable but targeted acts of violence that are impossible to predict and difficult to protect yourself from.

Also, read Jos on why hate crime legislation doesn't lead to a decrease in violent crime in the LGBTQ community.

Rose and I are hanging out at the USSF and having an amazing time. Check out our video below talking about gender justice, media and activism at the USSF.

We are having a great time running around meeting some of the most amazing activists in the country and seeing old friends. Thanks to everyone that came out to our panel yesterday and stuck through the room changes and lack of air conditioning. You rock!

Also, RE: Progressive Media, I just want to note that a lot of progressive media is here, along with independent and alternative media and we are holding it down in the People's Media Center. Big shout out to Free Speech TV (where I did a segment last night), The Mark Steiner Show, Colorlines and Grit TV.

(Apologies for lack of transcript, we are running around like crazy, if someone wants to make one I would be deeply grateful!)

I am a little disappointed with the coverage of Nikki Haley, the Palin and Romney backed potential Republican nominee for South Carolina governer, that goes, "despite her politics, isn't it great to have a South Asian woman in a leadership position?" Sadly, no and here's why. Nikki Haley, along with fellow desi politician Bobby Jindal have created for themselves an identity that feeds into dominant assumptions and desires about assimilation, acceptance and the rightful way for minorities to act. When Republicans say "diversity," what they mean is "people of color that act like us even when we say racist shit to them." Since after all, Haley was referred to as a "raghead." Real classy.

In response to the attitude that Republicans are in some way better at embracing South Asians, Jamelle Bouie pointed out last week,

Bobby Jindal's persona is probably authentic -- I have no reason to think otherwise -- but it's clear that his Christianity, his unassuming name and his recognizable accent are all part of his appeal to white Southerners. It's hard to imagine a Piyush Jindal rising as rapidly through the ranks of Southern conservative politics. The same goes for Nikki Haley, whose birth name is distinctively South Asian, and who repeatedly stressed her Christianity in order to dispel rumors about her religious beliefs. This doesn't make her any less authentic, but it does suggest that it might be difficult to succeed in Southern conservative politics if you insist on retaining the cultural markers of your ethnic heritage.

Right, so if Nikki and Bobby went by their more "authentic" names, they would not have had so much success with voters. Trust me, my name is Samhita Mukhopadhyay and I spent most of my life going by "Sami." The difference in how I was treated based on which name I used was profound and that is just me. This is an all too common experience, even resulting in the bestseller by Jhumpa Lahiri, The Namesake.

But this is not just about whether I think Nikki Haley and Bobby Jindal are sell-outs, not Indian enough or not authentic enough, because all these assumptions in and of themselves would be problematic and I am not in a position to make them. The bigger issue that seems to be obscured in the name of "Republican diversity" is the strategic role that South Asians have played (and often fed into) in the construction of the model minority. In short, South Asians benefit (mostly in superficial ways) with social and racial privilege by buying into the myth of the model minority while Republicans benefit from showing off how many brown people they can get to buy into their agenda and also have a measuring stick to put other ethnic minorities down, namely blacks and Latinos.

In his groundbreaking book, The Karma of Brownfolk, Vijay Prashad lays out the specific racial project of black racism and how South Asians have been strategically deployed in this project,

We are not simply a solution for black America but, most pointedly, a weapon deployed against it. The struggles of blacks are met with the derisive remark that Asians don't complain; they work hard--as if to say that blacks don't work hard. The implication is that blacks complain and ask for handouts...

...the myth of the model minority emerged in the wake of the Civil Rights movement to show up rebellious blacks for their attempts to redress power relations. The state provided the sop of welfare instead of genuine redistribution of power and resources, and even that was only given as reluctant charity.

"Model minority," is a strategic move on behalf of conservatives to play Asians against blacks and unfortunately it has been really effective and has lead to not only inter-community conflict, but also the perpetuation of the idea that South Asians in leadership positions in the Republican party is somehow "progress." But like there is no vagina litmus test, there is also no desi litmus test. If a candidate is obtusely opposed to the legislation, rights and freedoms I believe in, then no, I don't think this is a step in the right direction. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and give more credit to folks than is due.

Guest Post by Marina Karides, member of the Gender Justice Working Group. This is the second in a series of pieces on the US Social Forum and the activities of the Gender Justice Working Group at the forum.

For anyone remotely interested in grassroots activism and promoting social justice internationally, transnationally, nationally, and locally the US Social Forum is the event for you. To be held in Detroit, MI June 22-26th, the US Social Forum will highlight the economic troubles of Detroit following its long history of capitalist greed that used Detroit workers as cheaply as possible and then left them high and dry for even cheaper labor in the Global South.

And the Global South is where the social forum process originates. In 2001 in Porto Alegre, Brazil the first World Social Forum (WSF) was held and continued there for 2002 and 2003. In 2004 the forum went to Mumbai, India 2004 and then back to Porte Alegre in 2005, and a multi-sited forum was held in 2006 (Bamako, Mali, Caracas, Venezuela, and Karachi, Pakistan). The two most recent forums were in Nairobi, Kenya in 2007 and Belem, Brazil in 2009. The upcoming World Social Forum will be held in Dakar, Senegal at the end of January 2011. If you can make it, it is an event like none other and a great follow-up to the US Social Forum which, like other national and regional forums happening around the world, was spawned from the World Social Forum to further deepen the connections of oppressions among folks in the Global South and North.

Feminist Activism at the Forum

From the beginning of the forum process, feminist activists and organizations have played a large part in promoting gender justice at the forum. Latin American feminist organizations such as World March of Women, Articulacion de Mujeres Marcosur, Articulacion Feminista Marcosur, and transnational International Gender and Trade Network among many others noted early that gender issues, women's rights, and women were being marginalized in the social forum process. The social forums are an open space, one with a commitment to addressing all inequalities and injustice evenly; it serves as a location not only for organizations, groups, and activists to collaborate, coordinate, and share information with each other but also a place to protest and bring to attending activists' attention the inequality and injustice that are happening in our midst.

This is exactly what the Feminist Dialogues (FD)--formed under a tree in Porto Alegre, Brazil 2003--did when they had enough of women's issues, gender justice, and feminist analysis being neglected in the programming of the WSF. They highlighted through marches, events, and assemblies that: women have been in short representation as panelists, they had been absent from important decision-making sites of the WSF, and there was limited recognition in most events on how neo-liberalism (the increased concentration of power and decision-making in the hands of the international financial/business elite, at the expense of ordinary people) relies on patriarchy.

Gender Justice at the USSF

The Gender Justice Working Group (GJWG) of the Second US Social Forum has picked up the baton from the Women's Working Group of the First US Social Forum in pursuing and ensuring gender justice, women's issues such as reproductive rights, and representation by a broad range of genders. You should join us!

First, the GJWG is sponsoring (with the support of the Sociologists for Women in Society) a Gender Justice tent that will be located among others in the USSF Village near COBO Hall in downtown Detroit. The tent is available for all gender, sexuality, feminist or women-centered organizations to display their materials. Please bring yourself and your stuff to the tent. We will also be hosting a gender justice happy hour during the lunch period on June 23, 24, 25 and are seeking cultural performances. Send artists and performers, national and international, to the tent. An important use of the tent is to provide space for impromptu or follow up meetings by activists and organizations that have found grounds for further collaboration. Please consider volunteering an hour of your time staffing the tent.

The GJWG is also creating a program of all gender, feminist, and women-centered events at the forum. Some of the events are workshops, others are testimonies and presentation, and some are strategy-making sessions. There are close to 1000 events being held at the Second USSF in Detroit along with a cultural program. Attend gender related events and also check out the multitude of issues that are being discussed throughout the forum. The GJWG program will be available as a booklet at the forum and online a few weeks prior.

Finally, and with more information in upcoming reports on the USSF for feministing.com, is the Gender Justice People's Movement Assembly. The social forums are seeking to get their progressive politics into more direct actions through the People's Movement Assemblies. There will be about 50 separate assemblies, Gender Justice being one of them, which will filter to a larger single People's Movement Assembly that will coordinate actions nationally and internationally.

Come to the US Social Forum and join us in the promotion of gender justice. You will never regret making the effort to attend such an epic (really!) and life changing event. For more information on the tent or to volunteer contact: mkarides@fau.edu.

Andrea Plaid has a piece up at Bitch on feminism and masturbation with a series of quotes from feminists (including myself) about what feminists aren't talking about when it comes to feminism.

Twanna Hines--

I fucking love masturbation. Solo sex is absolutely a political issue because taking control of your own pleasure is liberating. Too often, when we talk about restricting women's pleasure, the topic turns to female genital cutting in other countries. However, our homegrown variety of no-whacking, abstinence-only education can be equally repressive. I want more of us-- women and men--to dialogue about access to healthy information about all forms of sex.

Tami Winfrey Harris--

From a black woman's perspective, I'm not sure that there is much positive conversation about our sexuality in feminism at all--certainly not in mainstream feminism and even in our own spaces, sexuality is a topic left on the shelf. There remains this women + sex = nasty and forbidden ethos in our culture, I think, in part, due to the strong influence of religion. Masturbation gets caught in that.

Samhita Mukhopadhyay--

I think building on what Maegan said there seems to be this divergence in talk of masturbation along lines of race where the assumption or focus for young white women is exploratory, sex-positive and nurturing that type of development verse young women of color who are considered a "problem," that needs a solution, generally not having sex and based on the assumption that they are too sexual so they must be first controlled, then "liberated."

I might be imagining that, but I do feel like there is this assumption that sexual self exploration is something relegated to "liberated" women, which are generally privileged and when women of color can reach the point at which they are no longer oppressed, they too can partake in this type of sexual self liberation whether it be through masturbation or other types of sex.

What do you think is missing from feminist conversations of masturbation? Or better yet, what is missing generally from conversations about masturbation?

The Weburbanist has a series of ads up clustered in themes, such as smoking ads, weigh tloss ads, food ads and cooking ads. One set of ads didn't have a content theme in common, just that they were making fun of domestic violence as a way to sell products.

Had enough, there more. Check out these housework ads,

Advertising hasn't changed much, if anything has gotten more complex in how women's bodies are commodified to sell products. Now ads suggest that women love keeping house and new cleaning products make them happier, we don't even have to make women clean house anymore, she gets off on doing it.

At Feministing we have a running archive of sexist advertising, and a lot of it is quite contemporary as opposed to vintage. While the vintage ones are more unabashed in their depictions of women, people of color, different body types and class backgrounds, the tropes are similar.

And while we laugh at these ads, I mean they make for great blogging, I think the deeper issue is what these ads tell us about the agenda and intention of advertisers. Feminist theorist Anne McClintock wrote in her book Imperial Leather about this idea of commodity sexism and racism and looked at how colonizers used advertising to convince (in this case South Africans) that they wanted to buy into this new world order privileging not only colonial values, but ideas of racism, sexism and other types isms in the service of a greater "social order."

She writes in her chapter, "Empire of the Home,"

What was specific to rationality in its nineteenth-century form was its single-minded dedication to the principles of capital accumulation for commercial expansion. The full expansion of imperial commerce was not possible without elaborate systems of rational accounting--surveying, map-making, measurement and quantification-organized around the abstract medium of money in the global science of the surface. By the mid-nineteenth century, the domestic realm, far from being abstracted from the rational market, became an indispensable arena for the creation, nurturance and embodiment of these values. The cult of industrial rationality and the cult of domesticity formed a crucial but concealed alliance.

Yeah, I quoted theory, but I think it is a point to make that advertising is not just something that exists to get people to buy products, but also to create a really specific social order. That was the original point of advertising and continues to be. It is not just the selling of products, but also of a lifestyle, making advertising much more damaging and dangerous than we realize and all that more telling when they are based on very sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, ableist and ageist ideas of the world.

It can be said that homophobia is a universal experience, but plays out differently based on culture, ethnicity, history, class and race among other factors. As a South Asian women who is openly feminist, I have experienced first hand some of the very specific views of my very loosely defined "community," (which would be middle class South Asian most of which immigrated in the early 1970's) on gender and sexuality, which to be frank, leave a lot to be desired.

Historically, within the South Asian cultural context, gender and sexuality have often been represented as more fluid. But something about the transnational circulation of the idea of "coming out" seems to be understood to be in opposition to the South Asian identity and sense of community. This is not to depict South Asians as uniquely more homophobic than other cultural groups or on the other hand to deny that homophobia related violence is endemic in the South Asian community. But homophobia cannot be understood without taking into consideration the long trajectory of violent historical events such as colonization, displacement, migration and assimilation that resulted in the creation of a very powerful sense of community. This sense of community has served to unite South Asians internationally, but has also functioned to silence those that lie in the periphery.

Recognizing this very complicated history of GLBTQ identity in the South Asian community, independent film-maker Ishita Srivastav has put a film out about the lesbian South Asian identity in New York. I have pasted the trailer above, but you can watch the whole thing on youtube (Part 1, Part 2) and if you are in NY there is a film screening tomorrow. Details after the jump.

When: May 7th, 2010. 7pm- 8pm

Where: Room 674 (6th floor), 721 Broadway, Tisch School of the Arts, New York University. Join us for the screening and discussion with the filmmaker!

Synopsis of the film: What role does the South Asian LGBT community in New York City play in the life of 'A' who might never be able to open up to her family about her lesbian identity? In contrast what does Priyanka, open about her sexuality and living with her partner and Ashu, a disc jockey who runs Sholay Productions (a social events group for queer South Asians) gain from being a part of this community? Desigirls follows 'A' and Priyanka as they negotiate their diverse and often fraught experiences as gay Indian women in New York. The documentary explores what their varying experiences tell us about the role of minority community groups in a diverse and often fractured immigrant society.

Yesterday, Chloe and I had the privilege and honor of speaking at the Rethinking Virginity Conference at Harvard University. The conference was organized by Lena Chen, blogger extraordinaire and recent Feministing Five interviewee, and brought together an incredibly diverse and impressive group of feminists, who dropped some serious knowledge on all things virgin-themed. One of the most interesting parts of the panel was learning how much misinformation exists around issues of virginity, sex, and our bodies. This isn't exactly breaking news- in fact, our very own Jessica Valenti wrote an entire book about it. But the quest to educate and rethink harmful cultural norms and standards is never finished. So I've compiled ten myths we uncovered- and debunked- at yesterday's conference:

Myth #1: The hymen is THE definitive marker of virginity. There is no one physical trait that indicates virginity or sexual activity- not even the presence of a "hymen." I put hymen in quotes because I've come to learn that it is really a nebulous entity. At yesterday's conference, Professor Kathleen Kelly of Northeastern University discussed the history of the hymen and highlighted the way our understanding of the hymen has become misinformed. As she puts it:

"What we recognize as the hymen today was not always considered as such....If we trace the etymology of the word hymen from Greek through Latin to English, we can observe how the word progressively narrows in meaning, first denoting any sort of bodily membrane, then referring to the womb, and finally coming to mean almost exclusively "virginal membrane" in the early modern period. ..The hymen is an overdetermined, widely misunderstood sign precisely because it has never been a fixed part of anatomy...the hymen is both an anatomical part and a metonym."

So it's- surprise!- incredibly oversimplified to think that there is some magical vaginal barrier that only virgins have. Sometimes it works like that, sometimes it doesn't. In part for this reason, back in December, a Swedish sexual rights group renamed the hymen the "vaginal corona." Food for thought.

Myth #2: Valuing virginity protects girls and women. Nope, valuing virginity puts girls and women at risk of violence, abuse, and assault by members of a society that believes a woman's worth lies in her sexual behavior. As I discussed on my panel, violations of girls' and women's sexual and reproductive rights and health occur every day in the name of preserving and protecting girls' virginity, delaying sexual activity, or controlling the circumstances under which girls and women lose their virginity. From forced child marriage, female genital cutting, and breast ironing to slut-shaming to the deliberate withholding of information on reproductive and sexual health, the emphasis on preserving virginity has pernicious consequences for girls in the West and beyond. I can do without that kind of "protection" thanks very much.

Myth #3: Queer sex doesn't "count". As the panelists yesterday pointed out, heterosexual vaginal intercourse is often privileged above other sexual acts because of its association with reproduction (and because of good old-fashioned heteronormativity and homophobia), and so people often rely on a problematic concept of "virginity" that can exclude, marginalize, and ignore the experiences of queer folk. But in rethinking virginity yesterday, panelists said: F that! It's important for us to create and reinforce alternatives to this heteronormative penetration-focused view of virginity and how it's "lost". What about a female-bodied person whose sexuality does not involve being penetrated? Are her sexual experiences somehow less valid? Part of rethinking virginity has to include incorporating a more nuanced and more queer-friendly concept of sex and virginity that doesn't serve to devalue the experience of any person or group of people.

Myth #4: You can only "lose it" once. This myth is false on a number of levels. First of all, the term "losing your virginity" is problematic, as it suggests that something is inherently lost as a result of sex and therefore engages in slut shaming. Secondly, many people find the idea that you can only experience something new once to be limiting and/or oppressive. The alternative concept of having multiple virginities was talked about a lot yesterday- some found this concept useful and meaningful, some less so. The idea is that there's a first time for lots of things, not just penetrative vaginal intercourse, thus, we all have multiple virginities to lose over the course of our sexual lifetimes as we take part in new sexual experiences that are meaningful to us. I find this concept useful because it's not specific to one particular kind of behavior, and emphasizes sexuality as an ongoing journey rather than an all-or-nothing situation in which you're either completely abstinent or fully sexually active. It also seems to make more room for queer folks whose sexuality includes being attracted to more than one sex or gender, as well as trans people who may have had sex before transitioning as one gender, but have yet to experience sex as another gender, and anyone else who has had what they define as sex in the past but feels for some reason they now approach the same activity from a new mindset or attitude.

Myth #5: Sex within marriage is the "healthiest" kind. Unfortunately, a marriage license isn't a magical key to a "healthy" and pleasurable sex life. In fact, sex within marriage is not even always consensual, and sadly, rape occurs within the institution of marriage every day. Remaining a virgin until marriage doesn't guarantee a "healthy" sex life any more than having sex before marriage does.

Myth #6: There's one universal definition of sex. This one's also false. In fact, there seem to be just about as many definitions of sex as there are people in this world. Among yesterday's conference participants, some people thought oral sex should be considered sex, and some people didn't. Some people thought the context of the situation determined whether or not it was sex- for example, if proper consent was obtained for a certain act (Some survivors of forced first intercourse identify as virgins because they consider rape to be an act of violence, not sex). Others took into consideration whether or not the partners had intended to "go further" but were interrupted for some reason. Some common factors that folks seemed to take into account when deciding whether something "counts" as sex or not:
-when and how consent was obtained
-number of partners
-existence of orgasm and/or ejaculation
-length of time engaged in activity
-intentions of the people involved
Perhaps most importantly, we established that even though there are many different ideas of what "sex" is, my definition of sex and your definition of sex can coexist simultaneously. One doesn't invalidate the other.

Myth #7: Slut-shaming plays an important social role by discouraging "risky" behavior. Um, yeah. This is actually a more prevalent idea than you might think. We've covered this a lot here at Feministing, so I'll keep it brief: Slut-shaming (as opposed to educating and empowering by providing comprehensive sexuality education) doesn't discourage risky behavior or encourage healthy sex, it simply perpetuates a culture of shame, fear, and silence around sex and sexuality that has very real and dangerous ramifications for everyone, not just girls and women. Also, it's important to note that while feminists have talked a lot about the harmful nature of slut-shaming, virgin shaming can be just as harmful, and is something we need to actively discourage as well.

Myth #8: Teens should learn that sex is dangerous so they won't put themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs. This myth is so pervasive that the government has bought into it: all federally funded sex ed is currently obligated by law to teach that sex before marriage will do psychological, physical, and emotional harm. It's true that sex has consequences, and unsafe sex can be deadly. We need not look far to be reminded of this- HIV infection rates are unacceptably, devastatingly high, and we are in the midst of a global epidemic. Yet our response must not be to spread fear and misinformation. Physical risk can be mitigated with reliable facts and access to services and contraception. And arguments about the emotional consequences of sex won't ring true for anyone who knows the great pleasure and intimacy that can come as a result of sexual activity- including teens- unless it paints a more accurate and comprehensive picture of the wide range of emotions that can come as a result of engaging in a sexual relationship with a partner, rather than making blanket statements about what teens might feel based on pseudo science and moral judgments. We must arm our youth with the skills they need to navigate their sexual lives with safety and emotional maturity. Why are we traumatizing the next generation with misinformation and scare tactics? Let's stop policing people's sexualities and start educating them to make informed decisions about their bodies and their lives.

Myth #9: Teens don't want to talk about sex with their parents. As the ever-sharp Shelby Knox pointed out, surveys consistently show that teens would prefer to receive sexuality education from their parents. And when you don't have a community that supports you, no amount of sex ed in the world will suffice.

Myth #10: There is no such thing as sex-positive abstinence. This myth is sometimes even found in feminist circles when people assume that abstinence can't be taught as part of a comprehensive sexuality curriculum. This is false. When included as part of a comprehensive and factually accurate program, abstinence can and should be taught as an excellent method of birth control and STI prevention, as well as a valid and legitimate choice for sexual beings of any age. In fact, this is a crucial part of any sex positive curriculum.The unfortunate prevalence of this myth is indicative of a much greater need for inclusivity and sex positivity in sexuality education: now that we know that our ideas and experiences about sex and virginity aren't as simple as they seem, sexuality education programs really need to catch up and become more inclusive of a fluid range of experiences, sexualities, and attitudes about sex.