feminist blogs

This is the Friday Random Ten Dedication Issue. Each song is dedicated to a well-known figure.

Keith Richards

1. "I Am Stretched On Your Grave," by Dead Can Dance

Ann Coulter

2. "Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Man," from the "My Fair Lady" soundtrack

George W. Bush

3. "Garden of Hate," by Simple Minds

Dick Cheney

4. "Barracuda," by Heart

Camilla Parker Bowles

5. "Horse With No Name," by America

Prince Charles

6. "Monuments of Deceit," by Delerium

Martha Stewart

7. "Trouble," by Coldplay

Enron and WorldCom

8. "Bail Out," from the "Congo" soundtrack

Pope John Paul II

9. "Living and Dying In 3/4 Time," by Jimmy Buffett

Bill Gates

10. "Hack The Planet," by Brooklyn Bounce

DNA Tests Prove Actor William Brimley Is A Persian Cat

Actor William Brimley, best known for his commercials and his role being locked outside in a shed away from the other characters in the movie "The Thing," has been found by DNA testing to be a Persian cat.

"That explains why I like fish so much," says Brimley. "It also explains why I scratch the table in front of my plate when I'm finished eating. I haven't felt a need to use a litter box, though. I use the toilet just like most humans except for the drunks who pee on the walls of houses around the bars in Fells Point, Maryland."

Brimley's wife had no comment, except that she kept scratching him behind the ears.

What Young Lawyers Want
The National Law Journal

A recent poll of hundreds of young associates revealed the yen of many budding barristers born after 1978: "Doing something other than practic[ing] law." They ranked time for personal life as the top motivator. Asks The Disassociate: What ever happened to billing 3,000 hours and earning your first ulcer within six months of passing the bar? What could possibly keep these well-paid slackers happy? From
rock-climbing "conferences" to office bull-riding machines, here's a checklist.

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Here's what they want:

PERSONAL LIFE

Paid annual leave. That's right; give each associate born after 1978 an entire year off with full pay. I understand that this may raise a few eyebrows, but let's face it, these associates have worked for over a year, maybe even 18 months, at the firm and, well, they are just plain tired.

Associates' car. For recreational purposes and sometimes even business development, many firms purchase season tickets to sporting events that are occasionally offered to associates. Perhaps along the same lines, the firm can lease a luxury car for the associates to share on the weekends.

PROFESSIONAL GROWTH

Exotic conferences. While to many in the field there is nothing more satisfying than attending a two-day seminar on the nuts and bolts of Sarbanes-Oxley compliance, for example, in a bustling metropolis like Jackson, Miss., associates are looking for something more. Firms may want to consider allowing associates to attend rock-climbing "conferences" in Joshua Tree National Park or deep-sea "seminars" in the Cayman Islands. These events will stress team-building and sacrifice. And your staff will ultimately return with a renewed vigor for that next massive document-review project.

Mock lawsuits. Start allowing associates to sue one another. Not only will this create a sense of excitement around the office, it will really make your new lawyers invested and engaged in the process. And just imagine the billable potential.

Rename the work. Instead of calling document analysis for a merger "due diligence," firms should call the project "beach party."

"Draft motion" could be "write a novel," and "analyze statute" could be "kick back and read Rolling Stone."

ADVANCEMENT

Class-year pins. Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts have pins on their uniforms that indicate how many years of service they have given to their respective organizations. Associates should have the same system, except that as the number of years increases, so should the size of the pin. By the sixth year, that pin should be so big the firm will have to make you partner or risk having a client see you.

Bull-riding machine. Each firm should purchase one of those bull-riding machines that they have in rural Texas bars and use that as the great equalizer of advancement. High-quality work and commitment to the firm's mission are apparently outdated criteria -- I'm thinking that grabbing the bull by the horns is sure to get the job done.

SECURITY

Promise. This is a tough one for firms because associates are notoriously insecure. In "The Wizard of Oz," the lion believed he had courage because he wore a medal and the scarecrow thought he had brains because of a certificate, so perhaps the associates at the firm will feel secure if you send them a letter sincerely promising not to fire them.

Of course, if that doesn't work, the annual sabbatical and the free car will surely go a long way toward keeping your associates happy.